Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Catching Up on Life

I'm ready.  I'm ready to catch up our extended family, friends and readers on life from the past month.   It has been a bit of a blur so please bear with me.   Let me start with the most important item which is my mom.  Many of you may know by now that my mom past away on October 4th.  I was thankful to be with her at the end and give her the love and support she deserved.  While my mom struggled with Multiple Sclerosis the past 20 years it ended up being cancer that took her life.  I think our whole family was very shocked and saddened by her diagnosis only 1 year ago and how quickly the cancer spread and took a hold of her body.  It was very hard to see her struggle and decline.  I don't think anyone expected things to go so quickly…yet cancer sure has a way of doing that sometimes.  Here is a picture that I want to share of our last few days together.  Even now looking at this picture it still almost doesn't seem real that she is gone… I think my brain is still adjusting.  

Some important things to note on this blog:  
First, my dad is my hero.  He fought so hard to keep my mom alive and give her more time to live.  He tried every possible treatment and provided the best care imaginable.  One nurse in the hospital told me that I was so lucky to have a dad like that.  She said not many people fight that hard for their loved one.  I am one blessed girl.  Even thought my dad lost the fight for my mom to cancer I am beyond grateful for his diligence, love, care, and faithfulness.  I am thankful I can also be a source of support and encouragement to him in this new chapter of our family.    
Second, the Lord was so kind to me in my mom's last days.  I was able to sit with her for long periods of time, talk with her, read scripture to her, hold her hand and pray with her.  Quick note: my mom and I didn't always have the best relationship.  We struggled to connect with one another not only during my teen years when my mom was sick but even when I was a little girl before her MS diagnosis. Maybe our personalities clashed. Maybe we just didn't see eye to eye on things.  Whatever the reason I feel like I was able to sit with my mom in her last few days and give our relationship to the Lord because the struggle really didn't matter anymore.  What mattered was that I needed to be with her and support her during her last few days.  It was hard.  It was very hard.  But it was worth it.  I vividly remember asking my mom if I could read some scripture to her.  She said yes and I started reading from the Psalms.  She didn't' say anything but I could tell that it was comforting to her.  
Finally, I have been thinking a lot the past month about my relationship with my mom and the impact her illness had on our family.  I have a lot of thoughts but I want to be careful with what I share.  What I want to share now is that the biggest thing I grieve now that my mom is gone is the same thing I have been grieving the past 20 years: I don't have a relationship with my mom like other girls do.  I was never the girl that told her mom 'everything'.  I didn't have a mom that took me shopping or helped me with my homework.  When I was away at college I would call home and talk with my dad…not often my mom.  I do not have a mom I can call to come over and watch my kids and I certainly don't have a mom to go out and have lunch with on a weekday.  My life is very different.  I guess this is part of the reason I have always felt 'different' or like I didn't fit in. I have been dealing with a unique set of circumstances for most of my life.  Sure, I longed for things to be different but I can't go back and change or fix things.  I must grieve the loss, understand its impact and move forward.  
I think this is all I have for tonight. Perhaps my next post will be a bit lighter…perhaps something about my kids :)  Oh yes, I don't want to leave without sharing my sincere thankfulness for all the love, prayers, cards, gifts and warm hugs.   I sure am blessed by a wonderful community and amazing family and friends.  

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